i dont think i need to go into what is going on around us because we all know. unless youre literally living under a rock, please invite me over…that sounds a lot nicer than whats going on now.
i will say this, the air is weird, the times are weird. life is weird. its weird that i am still going into work (im not a fan about it) and nick stays home and works. its weird not being able to do things you were so used to doing, like going to dinner and happy hours. maybe this is a small lesson on you shouldnt take things for granted? probs. its weird coming home everyday, nick being home, glen being all excited and then i set my things down, fuck around for a good 20 mins and then go workout. after that, we walk because what else are we going to do? then we make a drink, i know im not alone here…i have drank A LOT during this time. i make dinner, shower, watch the news, make another drink and then turn on some mindless tv and dread the next day because i know damn well what i am going to be doing.
but then the thoughts and questions come up, sooooooooo what are we going to do about the wedding?
i will be brutally honest with you, i dont fucking know.
when i said “im getting married in 3 months”, i thought to myself “oh that is so close, yet so far away”. and now, i would do anything to wait another 3 months so i could have a better handle on whats going on.
i never thought it would come down to this. i never thought that the ONE thing that was suppose to be about me (sorry nick), is now effected. and i know im not the only one.
as far as it goes, we are still planning on getting married on our wedding date, 6/6/2020. i have talked to the venue and they said that all june events are going as planned unless the government says no, obvi. so here i am, sending out my invites and RSVPs with only two weeks for people to decide whether or not they want to risk it, whether or not they want to believe things will be okay within a month. so now i am pretty much making people choose, my wedding or their wellbeing.
but this is all a mind game because then i start to think that i shouldnt be so selfish. i shouldnt only be thinking about myself, theres people out there without jobs, dying, loosing loved ones, being on the front line and people who are also in the same boat as i in.
i think still think that i shouldnt feel sad, i shouldnt be THAT upset, i shouldnt worry so much about myself because look at the world, a lot worse things are happening than you not getting married.
but you know what? i do feel sad. i feel mad. i feel frustrated.
i mean yes, we are talking about an alternative date but thats not the point. the point is, i have worked my ass off for the last 10 months to plan this wedding and for everything to hopefully goes as planned. i worked hard on making sure i got what i wanted with the right people for the right price. i worked hard on making sure all my ducks were in a row, making sure everything was ordered and everything was paid for & ready to go.
i am upset because im a planner. i love to have a plan, i love to know what is going on and i love to be in control of what is going on or what will go on. and now i dont have that. i dont have any of that. all i have is a small hope that somehow we will be able to have our wedding the day we planned with as many of our friends and family as we can have.
i never thought that i would say it but im not even excited to get married anymore. all the worry and unknown has really taken all the fun out of what is suppose to be one of the best days of your life. but then that thought comes back into my head again, the “well a lot worse is going on around you…you can also postpone and have the dream wedding you always wanted”. well duh! but i want MY wedding on the MY wedding day.
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM.
i know im not alone in this. i have a couple of friends who are in the same boat as me and all i can say is that, thank god for them. i dont know how this would be if i was doing it alone.
i regret saying that i was sick of talking about wedding planning because now im sick of talking about what are we going to do, im sick of people asking about what is our plan is and telling me its okay, you can always have it another time.
my whole point of this is, its okay to feel sad, mad, frustrated, upset, pissed off, not excited, unhappy, selfish and bummed out. of course, people are going to say that this must be a hard time and they cant even image what youre going through.
i havent had a full on crying fit or anything. i did cry when i passed the air port last weekend, i saw a plane coming in. i could think about is how going to hawaii for our honeymoon is probably not going to happen like it was suppose to and you know what? i havent even full processed that. i am so fucking mad about possibly not getting married that i havent even put thought into not going on my honeymoon.
what i thought were going to be a busy three months havent been that. these three months have been filled with disappointment over and over again.
no bridal shower (if you want to buy me stuff though, im 100% okay with that lol)
no bachelorette party which means not seeing a friend that i havent seen in years.
not being able to send out my invites and rsvps when i shouldve and knowing who is able to come to the wedding, knowing theyre coming because itll be safe.
not being able to see another friend i havenet seen in forever because her shower and bach party couldnt happen.
no more excited feelings.
okay kelsey, come on…but a little more happy, a little more excited…have some optimism!!! funny you say all that because i tried. i would say that normally, im a pretty positive person and this, this right here has drained all of that from me.
i read an article last night that said that “everything is going to be okay”, “youll get your day, it might not be ON YOU DAY but itll come”. of course, i get that. but i have the complete right to feel what i am feeling.
wheater or not youre getting married in a simlar time frame as me or youve had to totally postpone your wedding or youre reading this just because know that, you are not alone. when it comes to feeling the way you are, know you have people around you that are going through what you are, your partner is feeling it too. dont think they dont have feelings too, ask them how theyre feeling. know that its okay to be mad and pissed the fuck off. its okay to not know what to do or how to feel. its okay to be selfish. like i said before, i feel like this isnt a time for me to be only thinking about me but guess what?? I AM. i am human and im being effected in a way i never have before.
know i am here, i am feeling what youre feeling. i want to get married, i want to have the best wedding with the best man ever but i feel like that is being taken away from me.
sure, in the end, i might “look back and laugh about this” but right now, im not laughing.
please let me know if you need me or have any questions.
my heart goes to the brides who have no ideas what the next day will bring.
cross those fingers girlfriend.