i care but i dont?

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(flattering, i know)

hi!

since i have been spilling out my feelings, why not keep doing it? right?

i am 24, yes i am not lying here and ill be 25 in december (let me know if you want my address to send me cards & gifts). i feel like i have seen a lot in my life thus far. no i am not some warrior who can walk on water but i feel like the way i grew up is a lot different than others around me. i mean, YES i know we all grew up differently, i get that. i feel as if i am who i am today (still changing and grow) because of how i was raised and how i grew up.

growing up, i was told to “keep my mouth shut” and im guessing i was told that so i wouldnt get into trouble. but now as an adult that is biting me in the ass because its hard for me to express why/when im mad. it doesnt matter if i am mad over something simple at home or something more complex. since i was taught to “keep my mouth shut”, i tend to not say a lot to express how i am feeling and i go to my default lines of: “i dont care”. but 9 times out of 10, i actually do care but lack the balls to say anything.

i think it is important to care about a situation regardless of what that situation may be. to feel and to experience whatever it may be in that moment and beyond. but i feel as if we are given so many opportunities to not care, to not stand up for what we REALLY feeling. we tell ourselves that we dont care but in all honesty, we do. its more than just saying “i dont care” and leaving it there, its about:

caring about how it made you feel.

caring about what its taught you or going to teach you.

caring about what you believe in.

caring whether you agree or disagree with the subject at hand.

caring whether or not you should let it go or reflect on it more.

caring enough to keep thinking about it and DOING SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR THINKING.

youre not in the wrong for saying you dont care because you actually might not fucking care and guess what, if you dont care, you dont care! but then the other times you say you dont care anddddd 10 mins to an hour later you have that gut feeling of: “yeah i said i dont care but i actually do, what is wrong with me?”. nothing is wrong with you. well maybe something is but i dont think so 🙂 . you care enough about the situation to keep thinking about it and from there, you should reflect on it.

you dont know how many times a day, something happens at work and i wish i could look off into a camera like they do on the office. its because I get so mad or upset over something and end up saying: “i dont care” but then i think about it for the rest of the day. i am slowly learning to recognize those feelings and realizing that i do care and i should do something about it. i am learning to recognize that saying how i feel isnt a bad thing.

i just took a deep breath because  i feel so much better…so take a deep breath too 🙂

xoxo kelsey

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me realizing how weird this looks but i dont care, i just have to learn to be more creative with taking pictures lol

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